Telling my Truth: My Mentally Controlling Relationship.

I would first like to start off by saying that people make mistakes, the person I am addressing in this post is not an evil human being.

Nick (named changed) and I met when I was sixteen, I was a little immature for a sixteen year old at the time and found him interesting because he was older and so independent. When he came to pick me up for our first date he waited out in the truck and honked his horn; my mother was less than thrilled. She made me sit next to her at the counter until Continue reading “Telling my Truth: My Mentally Controlling Relationship.”

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A Downward Day: Dealing with Feeling Sad.

You could ask anyone in my life, but I will be the first to admit I am moody AF.

Sure, maybe it’s just a “girl thing” or hormones or something else entirely, but some days I just go from zero to one hundred, real damn quick. Not all the time, but sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just say to myself “fuck this day”. And that will be my attitude for the whole day.

Or I can just think about something that makes me sad and I fall into a temporary depression, like the fact that I’m not where I want to be career wise and even working towards goals seems so tedious and unrealistic. It bums me out, it makes me lack motivation and even though I know I have to go to work, I just want to lay in bed.

Normally I’m a very happy person, generally I love people and life and I’m happy with the life I live. Yet I will admit that I do let my emotions get in my way. I’ve been told before that I’m an empath and because of that I just feel things very strongly and I have trouble separating my emotions from the truth, or other people’s emotions from the truth.

Today, I am feeling sad. My job is less than stimulating and I feel stuck in a place that I don’t belong. It’s an office job that I need to stay at until November (I agreed to it). I’m alone in this office and few customers come in daily, it’s boring and one of the reasons I started writing more and doing more yoga because I have so much time on my hands. Some people may find this the perfect job but it makes me sad, I want to be doing things with my life and making something of myself. Here I feel like it’s just another year wasted not doing something that I love.

Dealing with my emotions is something I pride myself at being good at. I am very in control of my feelings and I always stress the importance of talking about them and overcoming negative things. But sometimes people have told me I have a strange take on emotions and feelings, which is this:

It’s normal!!

Being sad is supposed to happen. Life is supposed to go wrong, and there is nothing you can do about it. So many people get sad and think that it’s the end, they can’t handle it and never have the ambition to pick themselves up when things don’t work out the right way. So often we see commercials and advertisements trying to help up get rid of discomfort we feel in our lives. Discomfort is apart of life and learning to deal with it will make you a stronger person. Trying to rid ourselves of every small uncomfortable emotion will only make us weak and unable to function in the real world.

I just remind myself that nothing lasts forever, not even the sadness or frustration that I feel in my current life. I do yoga, I eat healthy, I try to stay positive. Taking a pill or drugs to simply just get rid of these feelings is going to be detrimental in the long run, it seems that so many people I know were never told that sometimes life just sucks and that’s the way it is. Life wouldn’t be so great if we didn’t have the sad times for comparison.

So embrace the bad times to appreciate the good ones, and remind yourself that nothing lasts forever. It will all be okay.

Why Deleting my Facebook was the Best Thing I Ever Did.

I used to be obsessed with Facebook. I was on it constantly, any free second I had I was scrolling through just absorbing the information in front of my face. Waiting at the doctor’s, at a stop light in my car, waiting for my hair to dry after a shower, waiting for my food at dinner. If I wasn’t having direct contact with another human being I was glued to my screen.

I used to think of a status to post and tell myself I had to remember it so I could post it later. I was the girl who’s say “tag me in that picture” or “send me that, I’ll post it”. I spent hours creeping on ex-boyfriends and their new girlfriends, analyzing what these people were doing and trying to figure out who they were from their pictures and posts. If I didn’t go on it every few hours I was tapping my fingers, wondering what I missed.

I was crazy about making my profile seem like it was adventurous and fun. I’d go hiking to take an artsy picture because my cover photo was getting old. I found the perfect song lyrics that matched how I felt in my profile picture. I posted pass aggressive statuses that let people discretely know how I felt. When we had to put my family dog down my first thought was “I have to find a good picture of us together and post an R.I.P post”. I’d wake up in the morning and Facebook would tell me whose birthday it was, then I’d scroll through my camera roll trying to find a picture of us together to post.

“Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! I am so blessed!”

“Happy birthday to this girl! I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life, I hope your day is filled with so much ______ and _______ because you deserve it! I love you!”

“Happy anniversary to the best guy around, you make me a better person and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us”.

“Happy Father’s day to the best dad I could ever ask for….”

These repetitive posts kept occurring year after year, nothing new about them and hardly any variation. Timehop showed me the thing I said about them the year before as if I could just copy and paste it. It reminded me of fun times I’d had and sharing them with the people tagged saying “omg could we relive this please?!”

What a waste of time.

I decided to deactivate my Facebook in July of 2016. I knew I was addicted and I could tell that it was becoming a serious problem. I began to resent technology and the fact that it was habitual to just open my phone and click on Facebook. I was annoyed with myself, so spontaneously I deactivated it. And suddenly I was no longer apart of the Facebook world and had appeared in the real world.

It’s been almost a year, and so much has changed. Aside from the normal things you’d expect like I don’t spend so much time scrolling through my phone and I am not up to date on anyone’s life events a lot more has changed too.

I have gained tremendous confidence. I didn’t realize how much looking at other people’s profiles affected me. I was looking for the things I wanted to be in other people’s Facebook profiles. After I could no longer look at all these people who I barely saw in real life I began to understand how fake the entire thing was.

I found out that someone was pregnant because I saw them at the store and they were showing, not because of some exaggerated pregnancy pictures. I found out people got married when I saw them out at their bachelorette party and they invited me for a drink. Break ups and family puppy additions and new houses, I found all these things out in person. Granted it was long after everyone else found out, but it was real. When I saw a girl I knew from high school out somewhere and she explained to me her grandfather had died I got to see the emotion in her face. Not some long sappy post that he never would’ve seen anyway. Reality came back to my life, I actually started seeing the world for the first time in a while.

People started asking me “did you see that thing on Facebook” and I would just say no, after a while I didn’t care that I was missing things. I was so focused on bettering my life and being the best I could be in the real world. After a while I could see clearly into my life, I decided on a career choice and am working towards that. I got a new job and I worked on my art more. I couldn’t believe how much more motivated I became simply from not seeing the things others were doing.

Now I go hiking to see the view for myself, my attention span is longer, I don’t care about anyone else’s life unless I see them weekly. I can’t believe how different my life is now without it. I logged on yesterday to get some old pictures for a birthday present I was working on and as I was scrolling through I couldn’t help but think “I used to care about all this bullshit?” I’m baffled at the things that used to take up my time, that I allowed to take up my time. I immediately deactivated it and haven’t had any desire to go on it again.

I haven’t missed it, I don’t care about it. Facebook was the route of all my self esteem problems. If this sounds like you maybe you need a break from it too.

The Feminism of Initiating Sex

I was listening to a Ted Talk this morning about sexless marriages and how this leads to affairs and dissatisfaction within the marriage.

I found it interesting and there was something that stuck out to me that she touches on. How women are so much less likely to initiate sex, and how this frustrates men and leads to tension in a relationship. I was curious to know more so I researched reasoning behind why women are less likely to initiate. I knew that it had less to do with a desire for sexual activity and more to do with Continue reading “The Feminism of Initiating Sex”

Intoxication Liberation

For the last few weeks I’ve been having mini revelations about my life. Most of them are not good, I’ve been waiting for the right time to “change”. I’ll stop over-eating tomorrow, I’ll quit drinking and smoking when summer comes, I’ll be healthy by my friend’s wedding. When do the excuses stop?

Making real life changes is hard, it’s so much easier to do whatever I feel like even when it’s not Continue reading “Intoxication Liberation”

Living Together Before Marriage: Essential or Detrimental?

I was talking with a friend not long ago about his opinion on couples living together before marriage. He said that he never would live with his girlfriend before they were married simply because it takes away from the excitement of coming together as a married couple.

I made the platitudinous argument of “how will you know you can live well together forever if you don’t even know before you get married?”

He replied with Continue reading “Living Together Before Marriage: Essential or Detrimental?”

The Phases of Life: As Told by a Newly 24 Year Old.

I turn twenty-four today.

I feel like twenty-four is almost like then end of an era for me, like the end of a chapter of my life. I’m entering my mid-twenties and slowly figuring out what I’m going to do with my life, I have a steady job and am doing less late night partying and more staying home and watching Netflix.

I categorize my life into phases, each new beginning of a phase starts with a certain age. I can remember each one and I can remember the feelings and who I was during these times, and I assume other people do this too. These phases have helped me grow and become who I am, and I will continue to grow and become someone different as the years go on.

So in honor of turning twenty-four I’d like to share with everyone the phases of my life that I’ve gone through, and maybe you can relate and reminisce on your own life phases as well.

Phase 1: Birth to adolescence. Basically my childhood, I had a really fun exciting childhood. Me and my siblings were constantly outside playing and adventuring in the woods. I did this until I was probably fourteen, I always wanted to be outside trying to find the next expedition to go on. In these years I went through a tomboy phase and didn’t really outgrow it until high school.

Phase 2: The teenage years. Here I was rebellious and so arrogant. I didn’t understand life as much as I thought I did then, I was always late to school and while I was a good student, I was always trying to find ways to get out of class or skip study hall. I worked a lot and had some good friends. I never drank or did any drugs in high school, we always did things like snowmobiling or four-wheeling, mud runs or truck pulls to have fun. I had two boyfriends in high school, one was freshman and sophomore year and one was Junior year and beyond. This phase ended probably around age eighteen when I left for college.

Phase 3: Early college. This was when I was just learning who I was and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do now that I had all this new found freedom. I didn’t drink too much in the early years of college, I had a boyfriend who was extremely against it. We were working on a long distance relationship so I’d just drink anyway without telling him. These years were really tough for me because I was being pulled in so many different directions by my parents and my friends and my boyfriend and I was really unsure what I wanted to do, I ended up transferring home and moved back in with my mom my junior year because the stress was a lot.

Phase 4: Late college and beyond. After I had lived with my mom for about a year I moved in with this girl I barely knew in a log cabin in the woods (against my boyfriend’s wishes). I can say that this period of my life has been the most fun filled with the most memories, I graduated from college and got out of a mentally abusive relationship, which led me to find a really great group of friends who gave me some really awesome stories to tell. I partied a lot and drank a lot and experimented with all the things that most people do in college. I met an amazing guy who I fell madly in love with and we moved in together. (This is over the span of two years).

Phase 5: Middle adulthood. Now here I am, exiting that fun period of my life and settling down more and more. The more I think about going out and spending money on expensive drinks to stand in a crowded room of people the more I want to just grab a six pack and sit at home with a movie, my boyfriend and our dog. I’m excited to see what’s in store for this year and who I become.

Thanks for reading! What are the phases of your life?