For the last few weeks I’ve been having mini revelations about my life. Most of them are not good, I’ve been waiting for the right time to “change”. I’ll stop over-eating tomorrow, I’ll quit drinking and smoking when summer comes, I’ll be healthy by my friend’s wedding. When do the excuses stop?
Making real life changes is hard, it’s so much easier to do whatever I feel like even when it’s not healthy or beneficial to me. Smoking weed and drinking alcohol daily/weekly has really taken a toll on me, physically and mentally. I didn’t really notice until recently when I wasn’t buzzed or high I really just felt depressed and sad.
A daily routine for me is wake up groggy at 5:15 am and get ready for work, arrive at work at 6:30 and work all day until 5 pm. My job is pretty boring, so when I’m at work I’ll do things like write or yoga. When I get home I’m tired and think about exercising briefly before instead deciding to smoke or crack open a beer. I’ll try to get things done around the house that need to be done like dishes and laundry, but once those things are done I fall into the couch and play on my phone until my boyfriend and I decide to do something for dinner. This usually includes getting high and going to a friend’s house to eat and smoke more, leading to getting to bed late and passing out and waking up groggy the next morning.
I noticed this pattern and realize how depressing it is, what a sad existence I’ve been living in. I used to hike, swim, run and write. Somehow I got caught in the feeling of being numb and I let myself sink into it. My mind was in a state of depression but the rest of me couldn’t tell because I was constantly intoxicated.
I first started drinking around age eighteen, I was never the kind of kid who drank in high school. I enjoyed my youth and stayed childish as long as I could. Instead of going to parties with the rest of the kids in my school I spent nights laying out under stars, adventuring through unknown woods and taking long walks despite it being snowing and freezing. I spent my weekends hiking and swimming and I woke up early to fish and run. When I entered college I decided it was probably time for me to see what it was like to be drunk, it didn’t appeal to me at first and I’d only do it sometimes depending on who I was with. When I turned twenty-one I went out for my twenty-first birthday and got drunk like most people do. That year I only went out a handful of times.
It wasn’t until I turned twenty-two that things started to get saucy. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship that had controlling tendencies and felt that my freedom was license to go crazy. I started drinking daily, I’d have at least a few beers a day. On weekends I’d get blackout drunk and have funny stories to tell the next morning. My roommate and I had regular wine nights at least once a week and we have parties where I’d pass out in my bed in the early hours of the morning. It was fun for a while, but over time my body began to reject alcohol all together. My boyfriend and a friend went to Myrtle Beach in June of that year, during the four days we were down there I drank so much Moscato that still to this day I can’t drink it. I once chugged vodka mixed with pineapple juice and woke up the next morning so sick, pineapple juice just by itself still makes me sick, years later.
I was also extremely stressed because I had just graduated college and had no idea what I was going to do for a job. My major was in communications but I had no real desire to go into that field, I was lost and frustrated and so I just drank until I couldn’t anymore. After a certain point my body just started rejecting alcohol and I’d get sick after just one beer. I always had friends that smoked weed but I never really tried to except for a few times when I was drunk.
I completely stopped drinking and switched right over to weed, I began just replacing my drinking habits with smoking and started smoking every single day, I convinced myself it was healthier and at least I could remember most things that happened. Months had gone by and I was still at the same stressful job that I was at during college. I had bounced around from job to job trying to find something but I hated them all and ended up going back to my old job, I started smoking more and more. In 2016 I moved three times, once into a camper. It was easily the most stressful year of my life and the most intoxicated.
It’s time for me to take a break, for my physical, emotional and mental health. At one point in my life I wondered how anyone could ever give up alcohol or weed because of how much fun I was having with it. People say all the time that weed isn’t bad for you and it’s way better than alcohol. I obviously can only speak from my own experience, but smoking has made me way lazier, way less motivated and ambitious. It’s changed my personality to someone I don’t recognize. This is all apart of growing up, and everyone’s growth is different, mine just happens to be sobriety, maybe it’s only temporary. My early twenties are behind me and it’s time for me to focus on what’s ahead; YTT certification and some kind of writing career. I can’t reach my dreams sitting on the couch scrolling through social media.
Wish me luck, I’m diving in.