It’s hard to know see that you’re in a mentally controlling relationship because the person who is controlling you is probably doing his/her best to make sure you don’t see it that way. And assuming that you love this person who is controlling you, you want to believe that they really do that your best interest at heart.
We tell ourselves that he/she loves us, that they maybe see something that we don’t and that’s the reason they’re trying to control a certain aspect of our lives. When my ex didn’t want me around a guy he’d say “there’s something off about that guy, I don’t want you around him for your own safety” when in reality, it was because of his own trust issues and insecurity. Manipulative people come off as smart and confident, if you find yourself saying “well he/she seems to know what they’re talking about and I don’t really know anything. They’re probably right” then stop yourself right there, you’re telling yourself a lie.
We lie to ourselves because it’s easier than the truth, because if we try to see the manipulation and control they have over us then we’ll have to label it as a controlling relationship, which isn’t healthy. Instead we make excuses “oh he just really loves me, that’s why he’s so protective” or “she has trust issues from a past relationship, that’s the only reason she doesn’t like me talking to other girls.” These are excuses, trust me I know because I’ve used them.
We tell ourselves that we are happy with our partner’s ability to be in control, you like that they make plans for you because it takes the stress off. you’re laid back anyway, you don’t really care what you do this Friday. But is that really true? Do you not care or are you just used to not being consulted in the first place.
We tell ourselves that the lack of communication is normal for a long term relationship. As time goes on we just get comfortable, there isn’t much to talk about, we know everything about each other already. Let me update you on something: This is not true, communication should be frequent at all times in a relationship.
The biggest lie we tell in mentally controlling relationships is that we are happy. The social media posts and all the selfies together doesn’t make up for the fact that something is wrong. You can fake it until you die trying to convince everyone that nothing is wrong but the only person you’re hurting is yourself.
If you’ve ever felt like anything in this post in your relationship then maybe you should take a step back and really look at who you’re with. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that they’re right for you. In my personal experience I was in a controlling relationship for six years and deep down I knew what it was. I constantly was lying to myself because I wanted him to be the one, I wanted him to be the man I needed but he just wasn’t. Moving on is hard, but staying somewhere unhealthy and unhappy is worse. When I broke it off with him he refused to accept it and tried to tell me that we needed to get back together, and that is when I admitted to myself that this whole time I was being controlled, and I was happy to be out.
Be honest with yourself, it’s the best thing you can do. I wish someone had told me that before I spent six years with the wrong person. Sometimes staying is worse than leaving.